Great news: My mom is visiting for an entire week!
Sad part: My dad is obviously not here with us.
Somehow in dealing with his death, I can put away the emotions (for the most part) because I'm 400 miles from where I grew up, I have a baby and a husband to take care of (busy!), and I wasn't used to seeing my dad daily. I don't know if that makes sense.
When I'm in PA with my mom and the rest of my family, the loss of my dad seems greater. It sits on my heart, like a weight. The tears flow freely. His chair is empty. His shoes aren't sitting by the back door. I drink coffee by myself.
When I'm home [my married home] I can hide all of those emotions and press on with life. I see his picture. It makes me smile.
Then my mom comes to visit. By herself. Without my dad. And the door of emotion opens up and it all comes sliding out.
I want to hang shelves in the dining room. My dad would've done that for me, like he did in my bedroom growing up. I need a piece of beadboard cut with the saw. He would've done that too. He would've helped move furniture. He would've played with Matt. He would've taken us for ice cream. He would've listened to me, regardless of whether the information was important or trivial.
I miss my dad. The void is so big...
And yet I try to shove all of those emotions back into the closet so my mom doesn't have to see them. She knows they're there, but somehow, not showing them means to me that I am being strong for her.
Focus on the Family has some good articles and quotes. I felt like this pretty well summed it up:
"Grief is a journey, often perilous and without clear direction," writes author Molly Fumia. "The experience of grieving cannot be ordered or categorized, hurried or controlled, pushed aside or ignored indefinitely. It is inevitable as breathing, as change, as love. It may be postponed, but it will not be denied." 1
I suppose this rollercoaster of emotions has become the norm in my life. I'm going to have to deal with it sometime, little by little. I'm okay with that, hard as it is.
2 comments:
{{hugs}} with tears in my eyes too ~
(((hugs))) and so true on that quote yet many can't or don't want to understand that. Grief isn't soomething you "go through", it's something you learn to live with for the rest of your life. I don't know how much you've read of my blog this last year but I'm sure a lot of what I've shared could be applied for you as well. Grief is a long journey. There is still things I haven't done that others think I should've done by now (like organize Noah's things/room & Olivia is in our room due to that)And it's been almost 15 months. Don't push yourself to deal with things, it will all happen in time, in YOUR time, not when others feel you should. Please don't hesitate to write me if you need a listening ear. Love & prayers to you!
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